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The Top 50 Computer Geek T-shirt Slogans

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing — Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

3. Buy a Pentium 4 1Ghz. so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Read the rest of this entry »

Windows 98 Source Code Leak

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

Project: Chicago(tm) 
Projected release-date: Summer 1998 
#include “allwin31.h” 
#include “allwin95.h” 
#include “somewinnt.h” 
#include “allrest.h” 
#define INSTALL = “3D HARD” char make_prog_look_big[1600000]; void main() 
{ 
while(!CRASHED) 
{ 
display_copyright_message(); 
display_bill_rules_message(); 
do_nothing_loop(); if (first_time_installation) 
{ 
make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); 
do_nothing_loop(); 
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); 
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2(); 
hang_system(); 
} write_something(anything); 
display_copyright_message(); 
do_nothing_loop(); 
do_some_stuff(); if (still_not_crashed) 
{ 
display_copyright_message(); 
do_nothing_loop(); 
basically_run_windows_3.1(); 
do_nothing_loop(); 
do_nothing_loop(); 
} 
} if (detect_cache()) 
{ 
disable_cache(); 
} if (fast_cpu()) 
{ 
set_wait_states(lots); 
set_mouse(speed, very_slow); 
set_mouse(action, jumpy); 
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes); 
} /* printf(“Welcome to Windows 3.11”); */ 
/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 95”); */ 
printf(“Welcome to Windows 98”); 
if (system_ok()) 
crash(to_dos_prompt); 
else 
system_memory = open(“a:\swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE); while(1) 
{ 
sleep(5); 
get_user_input(); 
sleep(5); 
act_on_user_input(); 
sleep(5); 
} create_general_protection_fault(); 

A Computer Nerd’s Joke

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work?”

Volkswagen vs. Microsoft

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ” If VW had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. “

In response to Bill’s comments, Volkswagen issued a press release stating: ” If VW had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics ” : Read the rest of this entry »

Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

DRUG DEALERS	SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS
Refer to their clients as “users”	Refer to their clients as “users”
“The first one’s free!”	“Download a free trial version”
Have important South-East Asian connections	Have important South-East Asian connections
Strange jargon:  “Stick”, “Rock”, “Wrap”, “E”, “Stash”, “Drive By	Strange jargon: “SCSI”, “RTFM”, “Packet”, “C”,
Stick	SCSI
Rock	RTFM
Wrap	Packet
E	C
Stash	Cache
Drive By	CTRL-ALT-DEL
Hit (LSD)	Hit (WWW)
Source	Source-code
The Pigs	Microsoft
Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year old market.	Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year old market.
Your clients really like your stuff when it works.  When it doesn’t work they want to kill you.	Your clients really like your stuff when it works.  When it doesn’t work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry producing new, more potent product.	Job is assisted by the industry producing new, more potent product.
When things go wrong, a “fix” is just a phone call away but may be expensive.	When things go wrong, a “fix” is just a phone call away but may be expensive.
A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.	A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.	Doom, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D, ‘Nuff said
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.	Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!

Tech Support Request

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
– Jonathan Powell

******

Dear Jonathan Powell –
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is an upgrade to Girlfriend 1.0.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequent use of Communicator 5.0
– Tech Support

Love Thy Bill Gates

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

The Mark of the Beast? Did you know that Bill Gates’ real name is William Henry Gates III?  Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) where III means the order of third. So what’s so eerie about this name? Well, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it into ASCII code (American Standard Code for Info. Interchange) and then add up all the numbers…. you will get 666, which is the number of the beast. 

B = 66 
I = 73 
L = 76 
L = 76 
G = 71 
A = 65 
T = 84 
E = 69 
S = 83 
I = 1 
I = 1 
I = 1 

Perhaps…. Maybe, but take Windows 95 and do the same procedure and you will get 666   And even MS-DOS 6.31 adds up to 666. Still think it is coincidence? Stay with me….it gets better. For those of you who still have the old Excel 95 (not office 97) try this out: (this really works) 

1. Open a new file 

2. Scroll down to row 95 

3. Click on the row 95 button to highlight the entire row 

4. Press tab to move to the second column 

5. Now, move your mouse and click on help at the top 

6. Then click on “about Microsoft excel” 

7. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button at the same time. A window will appear with the title: THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS. It has a doom style format and you can walk all around.  On the sides of the walls are the names of  the tortured souls….now walk up the stairs and then come back down, facing the blank wall. Now type in EXCELKFA; this will open the blank wall to reveal another secret passage, walk through the passage and do not fall off.  When you get to the end you will see something really, really eerie. 

As of this point in time, countless witnesses all over the world have.  It could be a joke by MS programmers. Or is it? After all, the bible foretold that someone powerful would rise up and lead the world to  And Bill Gates definitely has this kind of power in his hands. More than 80% of computers in the world today run on windows and DOS.  If all of his products have some kind of small program embedded, like this “hall of tortured souls”, that can give him control to set off nuclear arsenals, create havoc in security systems and financial systems all over the world, etc. All from his headquarters. This isn’t too far from reality. Just by using the Internet Explorer may  just allow him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. Perhaps the end of time is near and this is just the tip of the iceberg? Quote from the Bible: “He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number  If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666.  Revelation 13:16-18   If the Bible, in the book of Revelations, says that without the sign of the beast, one would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc., then my question to you now is this…. Is the Internet a necessity today for doing business? The Internet also bears this symbol. 

Note that the Internet is often referred to as the World Wide Web, Another way to write W is V/ or VI.  In roman numerals, VI = 6

Isn’t everything going towards the Internet? Revelations also says that the mark of the beast will be carved on one’s hand  If the Internet would indeed be the beast, aren’t we all using it? The screen is the forehead and the hand uses the mouse. Are things finally starting to fall into place or are we just letting our minds run away on us? Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal and to destroy. So, be vigilant about Bill Gates and Microsoft! Perhaps…. 

Technologically Challenged?

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are Technologically Challenged, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press
   Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

8. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer – but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”

11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.

12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

13. From a Novell NetWare SysOp: Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?” Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?” Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?” Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?” Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.” Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?” Caller: “It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotion. It just has ’24X’ on it.” At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive

Is A Computer Male or Female

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Two Digits For A Date

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

(to the tune of Gilligan’s Island)

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used, Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then; Hard disks were smaller, too.
“Four digits are extravagant, So let’s get by with two.

 “This works through 1999,” The programmers did say.
“Unless we rewrite before that, It all will go away.

But Management had not a clue: “It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense; We won’t do it just yet.
We won’t do it just yet.”

Now when 2000 rolls around, It all goes straight to hell,
For zero’s less than ninety-nine, As anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check, It won’t be sent to you
When you’re no longer sixty-eight, But minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face, Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code’s, The only certain cure.

 [key change, big finish]
There’s not much time, There’s too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few), When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.  We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now I hope, That things weren’t left too late,
And people aren’t then lamenting, Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

~