brought to you by Intelligent Computer Systems, Fergus, Ontario

New Customer Support

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer.  We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.  I picked up the phone and called the number.  A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.  He began rattling off computer jargon.  This confused us even more.  “Sir”, I said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child”.  “Okay”, the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

The Forwarders 12-step Program

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

1. will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward and e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail… NEVER–NEVER!!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old.  He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colourful flowers, characters, or programs that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail.  NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.  The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend of that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ.  If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!  Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!.

10-T User Error

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Brad, the computer guy, to come over. Brad clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill
for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T user error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: “An ID ten T user error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again?” Brad grinned. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I wrote out ……. I D 1 0 T.

Emergency Room

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

I’m an emergency room doctor, but I spend most of my time designing and installing computer software for other doctors.  One day I was trying to install a modem in a client’s computer, without much success.  I was about to give us when a man came in, bleeding from his chin. He explained he had fallen off a ladder while looking for a computer part for a client.  Half an hour later, I had sewn five stitches in the computer repairman’s chin, and he had installed my client’s modem.

Technical Advice

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. 
Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Software Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?” 
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.” 
Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?” 
Customer: (proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'” 
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?” 
Customer: “After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in
the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?” 

Computer Support

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

A computer support specialist at a hospital, I was called back to the office one evening to handle a technical glitch. As I was getting ready to leave the house, my wife asked if I could give her friend a lift home since it was on my way. In the car, we chatted about work, and I told her why I was going back to the office. A sombre expression came over her face. “I’m sorry to hear that your server died”, she said.  “Had you know him long?”

Computer Problem Report Form

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

1. Describe your problem:_______________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately ___________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ____________________

4. Problem Severity        A. Minor__   B. Minor__   C. Minor__   D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
            A. Locked Up__   B. Frozen__   C. Hung__   D. Strange Smell__ Read the rest of this entry »

Windows 2000 Errors

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. 4.Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Read the rest of this entry »

A Neat Trick With Excel 97

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

Believe it or not – A Flight simulator from MS Excel 97
(courtesy:Integra Microsystems, Bangalore, India)

Ever wondered why Microsoft applications seem to become slower and fatter with each new release? Apparently the constant rain in Redmond has driven Bill’s engineers to obsessive flights of fancy. Below you’ll find instructions on how to access a little flight simulator that was inexplicably hidden by precipitation-maddened programmers deep inside Excel 97.

1. In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet.

2. Press F5 and type X97:L97 in the “Reference” box, then click OK.

3. Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97).

4. press “Ctrl” and “Shift” while clicking once on the “chart wizard” icon
   (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar chart).

Welcome aboard ! After a few moments you should be flying. Steer with the mouse, accel and decel with the left and right mouse buttons respectively, and look for the monoliths with the programmer credits.You can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl+Shift+Esc. Enjoy the flight…………..

Now you know why hardware requirements for software keep going up. It’s all the games that the programmers put into them for their own amusement.

The Top 50 Computer Geek T-shirt Slogans

Posted by admin on Oct 1, 2007

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing — Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

3. Buy a Pentium 4 1Ghz. so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Read the rest of this entry »

~